“How are you?” the cashier at the till asked after rounds of “Hey” when I approached to buy some popcorn.

“Hoping that the movie doesn’t flop, you?” I responded with a smile, which he returned, looking amused. The result was an easy, comfortable conversation about his day, which tango blast flavour was the best, which popcorn size would last me through the movie, my expectations towards the movie (the woman king), and his surprise at how old I was after thinking I was 18. I walked towards my viewing room feeling more positive than I had entered the cinema and that got me thinking about the ‘How are yous’ I had asked and responded to during the day, some good and others terrible.

Is there an approved way of responding to the question “How are you/how have you been”? I need that cheat sheet, manual, handbook, or set of instructions because I hate answering that question, be it a text message or especially a vocal one. No offense to the lovely people in my life who ask me that question frequently, I know you’re being caring, but I mean it serves the same purpose as ‘good morning’ or ‘nice seeing you’ but even less intrusive, so why is it a mandatory question when we meet people even if we don’t necessarily want to know the answer? I mean the standard response is always. “I’m good, and you?”, “I’m fine, and you?”, “I’m well, and you?”, answers which are mostly total lies or if the person decides to be honest, “I’m okay/alright”, a.k.a ‘I’m very much depressed’ or “I could be better…”. The latter could go two ways, putting unnecessary pressure on the questioner to dig deeper with a “Why, what’s wrong?”, cuing the whole depressive storytelling session, and everyone leaves, feeling much more sad or hopeful after a half-hearted or genuine consolation. Or the other person selfishly ignores your silent cry for help.

Naïve me used to be an oversharer after a ‘how are you’, telling people how I felt when I got out of bed, how I burnt my toast, then tripped down the stairs, missed the bus, etc but I realized after receiving a few unusual and uncomfortable looks that no one really wanted to know how I was when asking so I became the, “I’m good, you?” person but that usually leads to stale conversations and awkward silences. Perhaps I’m reading too much into it and it could all be just a friendly gesture that we all universally do out of habit, It could also depend on the questioner or recipient of the question, but I started to dread the question.

As I grew older, I realized that I didn’t have to feel pressured to answer the question generically. Since the standard ‘I’m good, you’ mostly led to a dreaded awkward lull in the conversation, I switched up my own responses to either a funny one or one that will lead to a nice short conversation, making everyone leave in a better mood for example, ‘Hoping that it doesn’t rain or my natural hair will shrink like cooked spinach, you?’ could be my response to a ‘how are you’ during this rainy period.

I’ve also learned not to shy away or feel attacked by a ‘how are you’ from close friends and family because they genuinely care. Such people also know that just an energetic ‘Yo’ or ‘dude/dudette’ is acceptable to me. Showing love and care to others by lending them a listening ear if they needed it is something I also recently got a hang of. You’ll never truly know the struggles people are going through and how a simple positive conversation could make their day or a change. So, here’s me hoping you’re faring well, how’re you?